Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

So, for an actual entry.

So, I've been feeling rather....lethargic lately. I go through periods of this from time to time, and it's always a bit disconcerting.

So, here's how this works. I like to do stuff, right? Especially if this stuff involves creating, reading, or physical activity. Few things make me happier than running with my iPod. It's just....there's this bliss in being able to blank out your mind for a while, and just exist. It's hard to explain to anyone who isn't familiar with the feeling. It isn't that I don't like using my brain, it's just that I don't like having to be *conscious* of it. I'd much prefer to just....operate on this instinctual level.

For those of you who haven't felt this, the easiest way to think of it is thinking about some big time action hero, or your favorite badass anime character (mmmm, Vash....anyways). They go through all these big action scenes with this completely aloof attitude (for the most part). It's like...the bullets don't matter, the enemies don't matter. All that matters is right now, this instant, this action. One movement to the next. What it actually is is that they're just processing things so fast that they can separate the part of the mind that tends to panic into this small corner, where it can be ignored, so that they can just act right then and there.

I try to live the vast majority of my life in this state because....well, if I don't I honestly tend to be a bit of a wuss. So, whenever I feel myself freaking out a bit, I slip on my headphones, or I go work out, or I play a video game. I shove the part of my mind that refuses to shut up to somewhere where it doesn't matter or bother me. And, for the most part, it works.

Epicurus said that we should live our lives in a walled garden, with prudence at the gate deciding who should be let in, and that by keeping out thoughts about the universe, and gods that cannot be pleased, fate that cannot be escaped, etc., that we establish clear boundaries that define who we are and what we like. Well, imagine that I live in that garden, but without walls. I let everything flow into me, and drain the excess and unwanted away. I let it all flow out like so much liquid. I don't mind any experience, negative or positive, because I get to choose what takes root in my garden. Negative and positive feeling are transient as long as I don't feed them. Let something fade and die, and it will.

But, the problem is that right now, I cannot do this. That part of my mind, for whatever reason, has shut off, and it freaks me out more than anything that anyone else could ever do to me. The only thing I can do is listen to things like Dreaming Still and Scars Left by Time, and hope that it passes quickly, and that scares me.

For anyone who is interested........

Dreaming Still

Scars Left by Time (The video is irrelevant, though yay Kenshin)

Also, yay for new distractions.



Latest Month

August 2010
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Akiko Kurono